Listening
C-2
Flies
(and feet) won't enter a closed mouth.
We spend
more time each day listening than we do speaking or writing. Yet
we receive less training for effective listening skills than for
the other two forms of communication.
LEARNING
OBJECTIVES
By the time
you finish this module you should be able to:
1. Identify
skills and habits of effective listening.
2. Improve your listening skills and habits.
LISTEN TO
GET AND GIVE FEEDBACK
Good communication
is a two-way process. People tend to listen to you when you listen
to them. Once you have spoken, the other person often responds.
When that occurs, take time to listen. If your mind is preoccupied
with what you are going to say next, you aren't listening. Instead,
give the other person the attention and respect that you in turn
would like from her.
Listening
involves more than hearing. It involves a certain physical presence
with that person--facing the person squarely, with an open posture,
preferably within arms length, with good eye contact. Listening
begins with a door opener, an invitation to give feedback: "Tell
me about it," "What is your opinion?" Listening
then involves giving verbal and non-verbal feedback that conveys
understanding and respect. Acknowledge and paraphrase your understanding
of the other person's message: "You feel that..." "I
can see your point." "What do you mean by...?"
Probe for further clarification of the person's underlying needs
and concerns. Avoid "why" questions, which put the person
on the defensive. In short, a good communicator knows how to listen--as
well as speak.
Let's review
briefly the communication process. In my head I have a certain
thought or emotion that I wish to convey. I convert that image
into a coded message that consists of words and nonverbal expression,
which I transmit to another person. The receiver then interprets
the meaning of that verbal/nonverbal message. Communication breaks
down when the sender and receiver assign different meaning to
the coded message sent. In short, what the other person heard
was not what I intended.
We must regularly
check signals--to insure that both the sender and receiver assign
the same meaning to the message sent. We do this by seeking and
giving feedback: "Please summarize for me what you understood
me to say." "If understood you correctly, you think
(feel/suggest/want)...." A good communicator takes care to
clarify meanings.
TAKE TIME
TO LISTEN
Effective
communication involves listening more than persuasion. It involves
tuning in and building on the ideas of others. Rarely do people
get as excited about another person's idea as they do about their
own idea. We often turn people off by not responding appropriately.
People are more likely to listen to you when you have listened
to them. Effective communication is a two-way process. Feedback
is essential to good decisions.
Listening
is also very effective in resolving conflict and in working out
differences. We typically respond to challenges by becoming more
forceful in reaffirming the rationale and logic of our position.
We point out the weaknesses of the opposing position, and defend
ourselves to any criticism. This heats up the transaction, and
triggers our emotions. Listening, in contrast cools the transaction,
uncovers miscommunication, heightens understanding and shows respect.
Most conflict is the result of miscommunication.
When people
become disruptive, e.g., repeat themselves, raise their voices,
dominate the discussion, become emotional and argumentative, it
is a sure sign they feel they are not being listened to, understood
or respected. This behavior will continue until you prove to them
otherwise. Also, listening can be therapeutic in helping volunteer
leaders work out the frustrations they encounter in community
service.
Empathetic
listening is likewise effective in getting people to open up and
share with you, to reveal their real needs and true feelings,
to participate and become more active. A major cause of apathy
is the failure of you and me to really listen.
Good people
managers are aware of the importance of listening. They are aware
that listening involves more than hearing and understanding the
other person. They know that for listening to be motivational,
it must be clearly demonstrated. The other person must feel listened
to, understood and respected. Otherwise the motivational power
of listening is lost. In short, listening must be active to be
effective.
SKILLS/ATTITUDES
FOR EFFECTIVE LISTENING
Be attentive.
Get in a straight line with the person, preferably within arms
length. Make regular eye contact. Look alive and interested.
Physically
react. Nod, smile, shake your head in agreement or disagreement,
take notes, say "mm-hm" or "good point," "tell
me more," "I see," "explain that further,"
"go on," in support of what the person said. Your stern
unexpressive face tells people you're not interested, whether
you are or not.
Reflect.
Summarize back to the person, in your own words, what you
feel were the key points made: "You feel...." "You
are concerned with..." Such reflecting shows you are listening
and interested in what the person has to say. It can also nip
in the bud misunderstandings. Paraphrase, don't parrot.
Reflect
the feelings as well as the verbal content of the message:
"You were annoyed by...," "You sound troubled."
Ask questions.
Seek clarification of the facts and the feelings. Use questions
to get information rather than manipulate the conversation.
Don't
judge. Put aside the need to persuade, to defend yourself,
to judge and to argue with what is being said. Instead concentrate
on trying to understand the other person's point of view. Give
people the time they need to express themselves. Show you care.
People will be open to you only after you have been open to them.
Show acceptance.
Say, "Good point." "It took a lot of courage to
share that with me, thanks." "I can see you've given
this a lot of thought." Demonstrate to people that their
views are important to the discussion at hand, even though you
may sometimes disagree with them. Acceptance doesn't have to mean
agreement.
QUESTIONS
FOR DISCUSSION
1. Do you
use effective listening techniques?
2. What happens
to your listen skills when you are under pressure?
3. How might
you improve your own habits?
EXERCISE:
Plan an occasion
to visit someone it your office or theirs. Review the suggestions
in this module before and after you visit with them. Note which
skills you are using effectively and which habits still need work.
Repeat this exercise for different individuals in different situations.
Remember to check the suggestions before and after each visit.
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