A Toolkit for Volunteer Leaders

Leadership

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Self Image L-7

The ability to understand others--why they do the things they do--begins with an understanding of oneself.

LEARNING OBJECTIVES

When you complete this module you should be able to:

1. Look at yourself with a fresh perspective.
2. Identify some excuses people use for refusing to change.
3. Get feedback on yourself.

LOOK AT YOURSELF

Take a good look at yourself. Get up in front of a mirror. Ask yourself these three questions:

- How did I get to be the person I am?
- What makes me do the things I do?
- Why do I react the way I do to different people, situations and things?

Honest answers to these three questions can give you tremendous insight into what motivates others.

STOP TRYING TO CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE

There is only one person in this world you have much control over. That person is yourself. Unfortunately each of us spends a lot of time trying to change and control others. And we use all kinds of negative tactics in doing so. We intimidate them. We exploit their feelings of obligation and guilt. We "parent" people in telling them what they "should" and "ought" to do. We play on people's egos. We exaggerate things out of proportion and make generalizations. We play on people's fears and prejudices. We exploit people's weak self esteem. But the fact is, YOU CAN'T FORCE ANYBODY TO DO ANYTHING, at least not for very long. It just doesn't work. Look at yourself. What do you do when someone criticizes you and tells you what you "should" and "ought" to do, and tries to change you? You rebel. You say, "Heck if I'll do that," even if you agree with the advice.

Ironically the very people who spend so much time complaining about what others "should" or "shouldn't" do, take the attitude--with regard to themselves--that "I can't help what I am." Most people spend so much time and energy unsuccessfully trying to change and control the actions of others--that they come to wrongly believe that they cannot do the one thing that is most possible-- to change or control their own thoughts and actions.

You are the only person in this world that you can realistically expect to change. Are you willing to change? You can't forcibly change others, but YOU CAN CHANGE YOURSELF, IF YOU WANT TO. Change is hard work. Thus many people resist it. Many people act like they are cement: thoroughly mixed up and firmly set.

HOW IMPORTANT IS YOUR "PRIDE?" Is your pride more important than the well-being and progress of the total group? Do you have a "Well, that's the way I am" closed-mind attitude? Is your "ego" getting in the way?

Let's assume you are having difficulty with a particular person or group. Let's also assume that you are indeed "right" and they are "wrong." In SUCH a situation you have a right to be angry at them; you have a right to be upset; you have a right to ignore them; you have a right to complain; you have a right to point out to them their erroneous thinking; you have a right to tell them off. You have these "rights" if you want them. BUT WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO?

Have you ever changed your mind as a result of being told off or ridiculed? Has complaining to others ever corrected a situation? Letting off steam may help you vent your emotions for the time being, but it doesn't last long. Does resentment and anger ever do any good? Has "putting people in their place" ever helped?

The only thing that is going to make you feel better is to resolve the situation, improve the relationship, and show accomplishment. The most effective way of doing that is to start looking at your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You have almost no control over the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of others.

THE JUSTICE TRAP

Dr. Wayne Dyer talks about the "JUSTICE TRAP." The "justice trap" is a very negative and destructive state that many of us get ourselves into. It takes many forms:

-We get into the Justice Trap when we lament, "It's not fair" or "They had no right to do that," and allow ourselves to become upset, angry and immobilized by someone else's "unjust" conduct. Unfortunately, there are a lot of things in this world that are "unfair," and getting upset about them doesn't help.

- We are in the Justice Trap when we wallow around in self-pity, feel sorry for ourselves, try to make others feel guilty for what they have done, demand apologies, and "quit speaking" to those who have wronged us.

- We are in the Justice Trap when we use "If he can do it, so can I" to justify our own inappropriate behavior. Or we use "If they aren't going to do anything, neither am I" as an excuse for doing nothing ourselves. Are you using "justice" as a scapegoat?

- We are in the Justice Trap when we "keep score," maintain a mental tally sheet of what we have done for others and they in turn for us.

- We are in the Justice Trap when we criticize, judge, and run others down behind their backs in order to feel smug about ourselves.

- We are in the Justice Trap when we practice vengeance, hold grudges, and try to get even.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO GET OUT OF THE "JUSTICE TRAP? "

- Ask yourself: "Will the injustice go away if I get upset and angry?"

- Realize that other people are different from you. "I respect your right to be different than I am, although I find your behavior hard to accept right now."

- Do nice things because you want to, rather than because you "ought" to, or because you owe somebody something.

- Set up and follow your own standard of conduct. Don't allow your actions to be influenced by what Tom, Dick and Harry do.

Be a doer rather than a complainer. Stop all this "It's not fair" nonsense and do something to make your life fairer. Lamenting "Well, it shouldn't be" is never going to change anything.

- Realize that hard feelings, anger and revenge are just another way of allowing yourself to be controlled by others.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF

Here is something else to consider: YOU ARE TREATED BY OTHERS THE WAY YOU TEACH THEM TO TREAT YOU. Rather than thinking, "Why do they take advantage of me?", ask yourself, "What am I doing to teach (encourage) him to treat me this way?" Put the focus on you rather than on them. If you refuse to be manipulated by another, that person will stop trying to do so. For example: certain people will use their "hurt feelings" to control you as long as you are gullible enough to keep buying into it. Those people will stop having hurt feelings when they realize that those feelings can no longer be used to manipulate you. But don't expect people to give up their "victimizing" of you without a fight. They will use every trick they know to keep you under their control.

People often ask how do you overcome "the same people having to do everything." Well in most cases, "the same people do everything" frankly because they want to. Many people like feeling sorry for themselves--like a martyr. Others don't know how to say "no."

Directly related to the above statement is the SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY. People become how you treat them. A person will remain (unresponsible, troublemaker, etc.) as long as you view and treat him/her that way.

In conclusion, FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON WHAT YOU CAN DO rather than on what others "ought" to do. Stop blaming "others" and start taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions to others. GIVE UP YOUR EXCUSES. Frankly ask the question, "How am I contributing, through my action or inaction, to the difficulties the group is experiencing." When you are up against a bad situation, you have only two real options: either quit or learn a new way to cope with it.

Have you ever noticed who the person is that's always around when you are having problems? YOU. It's up to you. Are you going to go back to blaming others? Are you going back to scapegoating? Or are you going to start looking at yourself?

EXERCISE: GETTING FEEDBACK ON YOURSELF

The purpose of this exercise is to get information from someone else. The information you need is how they see your behavior.

Sometimes we are unable to see our own problem behaviors without help. The quality of that help will depend on three factors:

l. How well (precise) you ask for feedback;
2. The ability of the person helping you; and
3. How well (open - appreciative) you respond to the feedback.

Form a pair with someone who knows you well. Pick someone who has seen you work in a particular organization or group for several months. If you cannot form such a pair, skip to the optional instructions at the end of this exercise.

Each member of the pair answers, in writing, the following two questions about the other member of the pair:

After both members of the pair are done writing (5 minutes maximum), share answers with the partner. Start with the "contributions", then move on to "improvements." For each suggested improvement, both partners should write, on the back, specific actions to be taken to make the improvements. The person to whom the improvements are directed will select at least one and agree to try the specific actions listed.

Optional Instructions for working alone:

Complete the questions above, but do not limit yourself to only 2-3 "contributions" or "improvements." For each improvement that you write down on the front, write (on the back) specific actions you can take to make the improvement.

Next time you are able, find a partner who knows you well and have that partner complete the questions for you. Are your partner's answers the same as yours? Write specific actions that you can take for any "new" improvement that your partner has suggested.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. Can we help other individuals improve their self image? If no, why not? If yes, how?

2. Is self image really a key to whether or not youth get involved with drugs, violence, dropping out of school, conflicts with family and others?

3. Can community organizations help groups of people improve their self image or can this only work person to person?

4. What are some successful programs that build positive self image? How are they successful? What specifically do they do?

5. What are some programs that have successfully "turned around" individuals with problem behavior resulting, in part, from negative self image? What do they do to accomplish change?

6. What can you do to support organizations and programs in your community that help with self image?

RESOURCE FOR FURTHER STUDY

Your Erroneous Zones, by Dr. Wayne Dyer, Avon Publishers, 1976.